Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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