we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
