Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
