By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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