Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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