he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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