Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize