I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
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I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
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You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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