I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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