I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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