Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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