he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
