I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Welp...herpes.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
