I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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