so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
