The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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