You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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