how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
