When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I supernannyed him into submission
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
