She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
