This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
