If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my being single is dangerous.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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