Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
