I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
