i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
