well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
