Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
