If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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