Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
