apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
