i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
