dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
