im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Is it penis luge time yet?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
