My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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