Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
