I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
