dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
