Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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