I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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