Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
