am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
