I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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