3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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