have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
