So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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