Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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