i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
