the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i've created a new STD.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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