i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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