Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
