yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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