can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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