I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
