can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
